Month: April 2023

The Matchmaker in this piece of feel good orientalism started as a hobbyist. Married to an industrialist she didn’t need to make a living. Now she charges $1000-8000 per family for any matches she makes. On screen she attempts to temper the narcissism of the heterosexual couples she works with. She meets privileged young people often with a very rigid view of what they want. She attempts to dilute there psychological fundamentalism by introducing a third point of view. In many ways she works very psychologically. She listens carefully,she notes points of resistance, she tries to only introduce a prospective client to one or maybe two matches at a time. This process of holding a couple in mind is something that an app or computer programme can’t do. Families and individuals have faith in her, but she keeps things fairly down to earth. She acts as a container. Even though she listens to the fantasies about the “magical other” who will make life worth living…tall….poetry lover…kind…she brings it back to earth. No real person can meet these fantasy projections and she helps these couples work with a real relationship. Although, it appears this is harder done than said. So far there have been no marriages resulting from this Matchmaker series.

The sweetness of the show is of course underwritten by the deadly violence of the Indian class, caste and interfaith politics. The match maker essentially helps to reproduce and recreate this highly stratified system. In India infractions will lead to ostracism and lynchings. Interfaith marriages are all but outlawed in modern India. State and civic brutality is commonplace.

Still I was struck when Sima Taparia gave her blessing to a match outside her purview. A young Hindu woman didn’t like the matches Sima Taparia found her, but went on to find a Pakistani Muslim kick boxer. They appeared besotted with each other. Sima appeared to give her blessings. In India the man would likely be accused of “love jihad” and face police and morality police brutality. Sima also worked with a divorcee. Perhaps these more 1970s themes will boost ratings

California has recently passed legislation against caste discrimination. Let’s see if the next series brings this into the public eye. Indian courts are hearing petitions for gay marriage. Perhaps this ultra conservative show focussing on ultra orthodox upper caste, upper class, heterosexual Hindus will need to change if it wants us to really fall in love with it.

This great new show on Netflix is a must watch. Psychologically it demonstrates some concepts that I find especially helpful when working with couples. Although the key characters in this drama are not in a romantic relationship they share plenty with couples who are.
They first meet in a car park in a “road rage” incident. They spend most of the rest of the episodes attempting to damage one another. She is upper class, works in a creative field. He is a broke manual labourer. He urinates all over her pristine designer bathroom. She daubs his car with graffiti.

In close relationships these types of skirmishes are common place. Aggression erupts. Attacks are made. Even if no bathrooms or cars are damaged egos are scratched and battered.

We may choose to project aspects of our personalities on to our partner. They may become the screen for various aspects of our less conscious selves. We may then denigrate or even attack this aspect which we find unbearable in ourselves. It’s always easier to attack it in another. An intimate other. Some psychotherapists refer to this as the “intimate enemy.”

Or perhaps we project into them and keep them close at hand like a processing plant. Perhaps they will be able to take the mass of ugly material we put into them and make something beautiful out if it. When we see what they do with our loaned psychic baggage we may wish to reintegrate it.

In Beef aspects of ideas about money, sex, race, ambition, childhood are constantly being passed between the two characters. Somehow they can’t get away from other. They are held together in a strange fascination. They become more and more depraved and the psychic material passed between them becomes more and more primitive. But there are epiphanies too. Bruised, battered and caked in blood they find themselves driving off a cliff edge.

They mistake some berries for food and end up vomitting and hallucinating. In this altered reality they become closer and the “beef” between them seems to evaporate.

If you choose to watch this drama have a think about who is an intimate enemy in your life. What psychological function do they serve? We all have a “Beef”, usually several. But such beefs maybe an important part of our development as we constantly project our dissatisfactions outward and then reintroject them in a never ending cycle.

I was lucky enough to run upto the London Marathon this week. The smattering of rain kept the crowds just manageable and it was possible to weave around the spectators.

You can see the elite women in the photo as they cruise through Greenwich. We all need a bit of help on an event like this. Apparently, around half the field, or 20,000 runners, shelled out £220 for a pair of the latest bouncy shoes.

Still, whatever fancy kit you splurge on, time doesn’t stand still. Freud famously said that the unconscious has no sense of time. Whilst our biological bodies age our minds might think we are still young.

Age batters our athletic pomp. This was billed as Mo Farah’s last marathon. I remember him smashing it on the track at the London Olympics. However, this time, a younger man whizzed by him on the final 400 metres. He had no response. In his mind he might still feel 20, but his 40 year old body lacked the kick of his youth.

Maybe, in our youth obsessed culture the new trainers from Nike and Adidas are a godsend. Cheaper than a trip to a dental clinic in Istanbul, they allow us to cheat the gods of decay and decline another year.

Yes, sure, perhaps you’ve considered trialling a one meal a day Californian youth boost. But this is surely a better return on the risk reward ratio. Zero more effort, no deprivation, five colours to choose from, and a guaranteed chunk off your personal best. Life is tragic, no wonder we are in thrall to shoes that will keep us dancing, even if its just a few steps more